Submitted
by Peter Lynn
The other day I went to the old peoples
home to vist Bertha (91 and gaga). She's physically frail
but unaware of being unable to feed herself or walk,- and constantly
demands to come home.
She still recognises close family though so
isn't so difficult to visit-
While we were talking, she started to lean over
slowly to the left. I became more and more concerned, but fortunately,
just in time, one of the rest home staff moved in and restored her to vertical-
it's a really good rest home.
Then she started to gradually tilt over to the
right, but again, just in time, a minder arrived on the scene and restored
her equilibrium.
At this point Bertha reached out and grabbed me with a claw like hand and said; "Peter, Peter, you have to get me away from here, they won't even let me fart."
Submitted by Sally Evans and her brothers
I just read an
article on the dangers of heavy drinking....
Scared the sh*t out of me.
So
that's it!
After today, no more reading.
Submitted by Jayne Edwards
A man walks into a
hospital shaking a big glass jar with an enormous stool in it shouting:
" I need an eye specialist!"
"Why on earth do you
want to see an eye specialist, you need to see a colon specialist", says the
nurse.
"No, I need an eye
specialist, I need to know why everytime I do one of these my eyes start to
water!"
Submitted by Sally Evans and her brothers
Little Johnnie's
teacher asked him how his weekend was.
"Horribly, a
car hit my dog in the @rse," he said.
"Rectum",
she replied.
"Wrecked him?" Johnnie said. "Damn near killed him!"
Submitted by Sally Evans and her brothers
A blonde walks into
a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a
little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell bottom deodorant,
and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde
assures the pharmacist that she has been buying it from this branch on a
regular basis and would like some more. "I'm sorry," says the
pharmacist, "we don't have any."
"But I always
get it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have
the container it comes in?"
"Yes!"
says the blonde, and pops off to get it.
She returns with
the container and hands it to the chemist who looks at it and says to her,
"This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."
The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, "To apply, push up bottom."
Submitted by Sally Evans and her brothers
A skinny little
white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this
huge black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees
the little guy staring at him, looks down and says. "7 feet
tall, 350 pounds, 20-inch private part and 3 pound per testicle, Turner
Brown."
The white man
faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and, shaking him
manages to brings him round.
The big guy says,
"What's wrong with you?" In a weak voice, the little guy
says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?
The big dude says, "I
saw the curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the
questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I
have a 20-inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is
Turner Brown."
The small guy says,
"Turner Brown?! ...Phew, Thank God!
I thought you said Turn around!"
Submitted by Sally Evans and her brothers
Three men who were
lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the
prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the
trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So
all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came
back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then
explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt
without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."
The first apple
went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.
The second one
arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to
him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8...
and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."
Submitted by Sally Evans and her brothers
Bloke “Doctor, I’ve got this terrible pain in
my arse “
Doctor “Drop your
trousers and bend over. Hmm, it looks like you’ve got a lettuce leaf protruding
from your sphincter. I’ll pull it out. And there’s another. And another.”
Bloke
“ARGHGHGHGH! The pain is
excrutiating! Is there much more?”
Doctor “I’m sorry to tell you, but this is just the tip of the iceberg.”
Submitted by Sally Evans and her
brothers
When you have a 'I
Hate My Job' day,
try this:
On your way home
from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase
a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson
Be very sure you
get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and
disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.
Change into very
comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and
remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that
it will not become chipped or broken.
Now the fun part
begins.
Take out the
literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in
small print there is a statement:
'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson
& Johnson is personally tested and
then sanitized. '
Now, close your
eyes and repeat out loud five times,'I am so glad I do not work in the
thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.'
HAVE A NICE DAY AND
REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN
IN THE ARSE THAN
YOURS.
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