Submitted by Jackie Penny

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a
partial sponge bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely......

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ?

---

Submitted by Jackie's daughter--in-law

A man went to his doctor and told him he was having a problem, as he was  unable to get his manhood erect.

The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the base of  the organ were damaged from a previous viral infection and there was nothing  he could actually do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment  that might work, if he was willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted  of planting muscle tissues from an elephant's trunk into his 'old fella'.

The man thought about it for a while. The thought of having to go through  life without sex was too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that  there would be no cruelty to the elephant, the man decided to go for it.

A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go and try  out his newly renovated equipment.

As a result he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her  to one of the nicest restaurants in town. In the middle of dinner he felt a  strong stirring in his loins that continued to the point of being extremely  painful. To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his knob sprang  out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and returned to  his trousers.

His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her face  said, 'That was incredible! Can you do that again?'

With tears in his eyes he replied, 'I think I can, but I am not sure if  another bread roll will fit up my arse'.

---

Submitted by my mother-in-law

Two ladies sitting on a bench in the park..  One said, I have been sitting here so long that my bum has gone to sleep.

The other lady said, I know that, I could here it snoring.

 

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Submitted by Paula Woodward (only loosely connected to bottoms but who cares!!)


A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party.

He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so hewrites to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:


Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will coveryour bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.

A week passes and he received another parcel and note:


Dear Sir,

Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit.

The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.

The man is really furious now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head.

So he writes a really rude letter of complaint.

A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:


Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.

Pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a f---ing toffee apple.

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Submitted by Garry Clarke's brother.
Not strictly a bottom joke but it does has the word arsehole in it.
It also gives you some idea of what Garry, his brother and I think of our prime minister

An Israeli doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'
 
A German doctor said, 'That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.'

 

A Russian doctor said, 'In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'

 

The English doctor, not to be outdone, said 'Hah!. We can take an arsehole out of Scotland, put him in 10 Downing Street and have half the country looking for work within twenty-four hours

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