A man decides to go duck shooting so he goes into a gun shop and buys a shotgun.

That weekend, he is at the lake hunting ducks when he trips, his gun goes off and he shoots a bear in the back of the head.

The angry bear comes over "You've got a choice, either you let me bugger you or I kill you" says the bear.

"OK" says the man - drops his trousers and lets the bear have his wicked way with him.

Next day the man goes into the gun shop and says "I want a better gun" - so the gun shop sells him a double barrelled shotgun.

That weekend, he's back at the lake - he spots a duck, takes aim, fires - and misses. He decides to move to a better position. In doing so, he trips, his gun goes off and he shoots a bear in the thigh.

The angry bear comes over "OK, either you let me bugger you or I kill you"

The man drops his trousers.

"Wait a minute" says the bear - "I recognise that arse - let's be honest mate, you don't really come ere for the ducks do you?"

What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?

Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the old man lets out a loud fart and says "one-nil."

His wife rolls over and asks, "What in the world was that?"

The old man says, "A goal. I'm ahead one-nil."

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Goal! One all."

The old boy farts again. "Goal! I'm ahead 2-1."

Now starting to get into this the wife quickly farts again and says, "Goal! 2 all."

The old man tries to fart again, but cannot. Trying desperately not to be out-done by his wife, he gives it everything he has to get out just one more fart.

He strains a little too hard and sh*ts the bed.

The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"

The old man replies, "Half-time, switch sides."